Episode 9 Attack of the Banana Republic

October 27, 2006 • Humor

It’s been another long work week but what happened last night was a gem and while it had unintended consequences, it really perked up my evening…..

I was getting ready for bed around midnight, brushing my teeth, putting files away for the next day when suddenly I hear a loud noise like paper taiko drums slamming against a wall.  It was probably Maus knocking something else off the mantle or dislodging one of my neatly stacked boxes of supplies chasing a ratty toy. Then I realized he had toppled over Shelley’s small banana republic shopping bag containing loaned DVDs.

Or so I thought.

Suddenly there’s hissing, spitting and yowling… where was he?? Papers propel 6 feet into the air… THERE! in the corner of the living room, behind the bobcat… no!! he’s bolted from the bobcat and now SERIOUSLY RUNNING around the apartment, howling like a banshee with a bag over his head!!

He runs in circles around the legs of all tables and chairs, bag still stuck to him.  I cannot grab him fast enough. He makes his way into the bathroom, into the bedroom, round and round he goes.  Under the bed, over the bed, KAPLUNK, CRASH, BOOM, hitting everything in his way.  The bag has torn in half and one of the bag handles is WRAPPED AROUND HIS BODY.

He finally makes it to the bathroom where I corner him by the bathtub. He rolls belly up, all four paws slashing into the air, fangs chomping at me and dripping with saliva, poop and pee squirting all over the place.  Where’s the battery door???  HOW DO I STOP THIS THING??  I try to talk to him in my most soothing voice without laughing… I shut all the bathroom doors and throw a towel over him.  He’s still squirming, growling and hissing at me, eyes RED WITH RAGE!!!!!

Somehow I manage to sit on him, wrap the towel around him like a mummy, grab the hair cutting shears from the medicine cabinet. The handle is so tight around him, there was no way I could pull it up over his head without losing a finger so I cut the bag handle away from his body…..

It was only then that he simmered down.  Though still growling and his tail was as wide as my fist, he let me hold him.  He was hyperventilating for a full 1/2 hour.

As always whenever he gets into a fix like this, he thinks “someone else” was responsible, not his curious self.  So for another 20 minutes thereafter, he cautiously left the bathroom, constantly looking over his shoulder to see if this mystery assailant was still lurking about. He’d settle down by the front door, head straining this way and that to see if he can outsmart Mystery Assailant now that his back was to the door, nose still sniffing the air looking for warning signs of another “attack.”

I was laughing so hard I was sure the neighbors would call the cops. I had to shut the patio door so I wouldn’t wake up the whole neighborhood.

But Maus had the last laugh. This morning he left me 12 neat round cubes of poop in my shoe. (Well, it was near my shoes but covered over with my socks but it sounds better the other way…….)!!! (But I love him so.)

*Coming soon…all episodes in living color

1. milkmaus
2. yoda belly
3. christmas ribbon detox
4. spookymaus
5. bathroom prison breakout
6. more hair please
7. eats only after merlin eats
8. fetch spot fetch
9. banana republic attack

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